The Drabbles from the Nut House
by Resident Nut Job and Midget from Your Nightmares
Summary: In which the Fat Lady is pregnant, Goyle has an epiphany, Hermione is in love with a clown, and other randomness occurs
1. Harry and The Fat Lady

**A/N: From Resident Nut Job comes the next collection of sick, wrong, and just plain disturbing drabbles! A collection of drabbles. Some long, some short. Some…no, wait, all sick and wrong. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned, you'd know ;)**

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Harry Potter was, by all appearances, a perfect boy. He had perfect magic, he had a perfect life, and he had perfect relationships. At least that's how it appeared. But alas, Harry Potter had a problem. He started to suspect something was wrong when all of a sudden, Dudley's pig like noises started to arouse him. And his uncles' potbelly suddenly became sexy, and his aunts' long neck caused his heart rate to speed up. When he suddenly found the house elves lack of clothing arousing, he knew he had a problem.

He had been able to keep this problem a secret, fulfilling his urges secretly (he made sure none of his many lovers would tell) but now he had a problem. A big, big problem. The fat lady was pregnant.

With his child.

Now, how a human can get a painting pregnant, well, we are not going to go into details. Actually, no one is really sure. But however he managed to do it, it was done. And now everyone knew.

Okay, so maybe it was Harry's fault that everyone knew. The fat lady had been sick, so finally they brought in someone to check her out. And then it had been announced.

"Hey! Who got the fat lady pregnant?" Someone had yelled out. Harry was, of course quite shocked.

"Oops. Didn't know you could get a painting pregnant…" Everyone turned and looked at him. It was then that he realized he had said those incriminating words out loud.

Yes, Harry Potter had a very big problem.


	2. Twitchy Little Draco

**Drabble two: Twitchy Little Malfoy**

**Disclaimer:** The characters and line "Twitchy little ferret, aren't you Malfoy" dont belong to me. I am simply taking the line, and twisting it ;)

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Hermione rolled over, out of breath. Next to her, Draco was also breathing rather hard. Both warn out from their, erm…activities (which, to keep this story T, we shall not go into.) They didn't cuddle up like normal lovers, they actually stayed further apart. Twelve and three eighths inches apart to be exact, but they did eventually talk.

Draco let out an involuntary twitch, a remnant of his adventures of 'The amazing bouncing ferret' Hermione laughed.

"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you Malfoy" she said with a smirk.

"Only my 'little malfoy' if ya know what I mean…" He answered with a wink. She was silent for a moment.

"Well, I'd hardly call it little…"


	3. Goyle the philosopher?

**A/N: we are back with another drabble! There is actually a very funny story behind this one. It is based on a conversation between two girls in one of my classes. I kid you not. I'll explain more later, for at this point it would ruin the story! Well, review!**

**RNJ**

**Disclaimer:** Oh god, can you imagine if I owned it?

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It was noon at Hogwarts, lunchtime. At Hogwarts, the food arrives at precisely the same time, every day, with no exceptions.

For some, however, this little fact deters them not.

"I saw it coming in my mind…and then it just appeared!" Goyle breathed, looking over the warm food in awe.

"Its amazing how much our mind controls." He continued, pointing to his own abnormally large head. Draco just shook his head, not sure if he should bother telling his friend that the food arrived everyday at the same time.

"Deep Goyle. Real Deep."

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**A/N: Yes, two girls had this kind of conversation, except it was about the bell. The senior bell at our school rings five minutes before our bell, and this one girl is waiting for our bell to ring. It rings and she turns to her friend and goes "oh my gosh. I like, pictured it ringing in my mind and it rang." In this mystified tone. And her friend is like "wow." Then the girl goes on to say "Its amazing how much our minds control".**

**Needless to say, I had a very difficult time not cracking up and falling down on the floor laughing.**

**RNJ**


	4. Meet Bobo

**I most certaintly feel that I must explain the following drabble to you good people. First off, I got the idea during a conversation over on a site called the-n (that TV channel. Site forums suck. 'ppl talk lik dis' and free speech does not exist. I've already gotten banned. I only remain there to spite them all and be a snarky bitch. It's really quite amusing...) Anyways, someone posted 'I know what really happens in the last Harry Potter Book!' which was, of course, false. Some people started 'speculating' on what happens and we got into a heated debate (between my 'Ron accidentally steps on Harry when Draco turns him into a spider', 'Harry becomes a circus clown' and this one.) Of course, I was inspired and thus this was born. Its a bit different from the other drabbles, but I like it all the same. **

**Please review...I could really use a pick-me-up, what with exams looming ahead. Any reviews are fine. So...enjoy!**

**RNJ**

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"But…Hermione…I love you!" Hermione shook her head.

"No Ron…I can not love you as well, for I am in love."

"But with who? And when?"

"Ron…its not just that."

"What then?"

"We're having a baby."

"WHAT? Who is 'we'"?

"Me and Bobo."

"Who the hell is Bobo?" his question was answered as a clown walked up to Hermione, wrapping his arm around her. He had red hair, his face painted white, and a red nose.

"This is Bobo. We met at the circus…" she said dreamily. Ron glared at Bobo.

"Well Bobo. Got anything to say for your self?" Bobo made a series of hand motions and finished with a cartwheel. Hermione giggled.

"Oh Bobo." She sighed. Ron looked back and forth between them.

"Huh?"

"Bobo doesn't really speak much." Explained Hermione. "But he loves me."

"How do you know if he doesn't talk much?"

"Oh, its obvious." Ron didn't really agree with that, nor did Bobo judging from the gagging gestures he was making. Hermione was oblivious to this…or maybe not…

"Oh Bobo…I love it when you pantomime dirty."

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**I had a lot of fun with this one, and I hope you had a good time reading it!**

**RNJ**


	5. Alert the Irish!

**A/N: Happy St. Patty's day all! I hope you enjoy this special new drabble. It is specially themed for today.**

**RNJ**

**Disclaimer: Wish I owned, but I don't**

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Alert The Irish!

It was a sad day indeed.

Why?

Well, it was the day that the wizarding world received the devastating news.

Harry Potter was dead.

Now, how he died, well, lets just say it involved a lighter and a curious midget. It was not pretty. Hermione Granger was the one who learned of his death first (no…she was not the curious midget.) She ran into Hogwarts, eyes wide and screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Harry's dead! Harry's dead! Alert the Irish!" She said it in an Irish accent. No one really knows why. Chaos ensued, secrets were revealed. I am not going to go into all the gritty details (apparently Mr. Potter had some strange fetishes and some serious skeletons in his closet. Actually, they were more like warm corpses, for a majority of the scandal came from recent acts, most of them pertaining to the painting of the fat lady who had mysteriously gotten pregnant…)

But as I said, it is best not to go into the gritty details.

Later, it would be asked why Hermione had screamed, "alert the Irish!"

Her reply?

"It sounded cool."


	6. Hermione's secret

**A/N: She lives! I have had this idea since I started this whole thing. I hope you enjoy!**

**RNJ**

**Disclaimer:** Still no own

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It was a Saturday when Hermione gathered Ron and Harry up and asked them to meet her in a deserted part of Hogwarts. They found her, pacing nervously.

"Hermione, what is it? You sounded upset." Harry exclaimed. Hermione looked down.

"Well boys, I err, I have something to tell you. It's not going to be easy for me to say, or for you to hear."

"What is it Hermione?" asked Ron, concerned for his friend.

"Yes, you know you can tell us anything." Hermione sighed.

"Boys, I am pregnant." She held out a hand to stop their questions. "With Draco Malfoy's child."

"WHAT?" Yelled Harry.

"I am having Draco's baby." Hermione calmly explained.

"But…but how?" Hermione looked at Ron, exasperated.

"Well Ron, its like the carrots and the donut holes."

"Huh?"

"Well, the carrot goes into the donut hole and…"

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**A/N: I do hope this gave you a nice laugh. Please, leave a review!**

**RNJ**


	7. Harry's Secret

**A/N: And another one! Again, I hope you like.**

**RNJ**

**Disclaimer: I am working on a plan to get it, but as of now, Harry Potter belongs to some VERY rich lady with the initials JKR**

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Harry had been walking through the halls, trying to remain inconspicuous (lest someone came after him with question about the Fat Lady and her mystery pregnancy) when he ran into someone. He looked up.

"Oh, sorry Dumbledore. I didn't mean to…"

"Ah, Harry. Just the person I wanted to see." Harry paled. This couldn't be good.

"About…about what sir?" He asked weakly. Dumbledore looked down at the boy.

"Harry, is it true that you, ah, impregnated the fat lady?" Harry took a deep breath.

"Yes. Yes, I did get her pregnant. It was an accident, I swear!" Dumbledore shook his head.

"And how did you manage to get a painting pregnant?"

"Well sir, its like the carrots and the donut holes." At this moment, Ron happened to be walking by and had heard most of the conversation. He stopped momentarily and looked at Harry.

"Paintings have donut holes?"

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**A/N: You know the drill!**

**RNJ**


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